You Don’t Know What It’s Like

You Don't Know-Final

Picture Info

HairDoe – Sophia Hair Gacha @ mainstore

Hair BaseJust Magnetized – Hairbase #16 @ mainstore

EarsDOUX L’Etre – Ringed Mesh Ears @ mainstore

Nails & Rings: Suicidal Unborn – Ysabelle Set Gacha – #12 Nails & #14 Rings Rare @ Epiphany

OutfitFashionably Dead – PJ Top (nice in white) & PJ Pants (nice in red) @ Collabor88

BackdropFoxcity – Escape Photo Booth @ mainstore

PoseI used a pose by Touch of Flare & edited a bit with my Animare HUD

*Warning!  The following is just a personal vent, so feel free to ignore.  I guarantee it will be TL;DR.

I.Fucking.Hate.Christmas!!!  There!  I said it.  I hate how commercialized it’s become.  I hate all the stress it brings on people.  The stress to find the perfect gift, the stress of how much money to spend, the stress of managing to pay your other bills while trying to figure out how to buy stuff for everyone.  Smart people plan ahead and begin saving up or shopping for Christmas in January.  But let’s be honest.  Most of us just aren’t that smart. *sighs*

Mostly, I just hate Christmas because…well, it’s a holiday.  And I hate being alone for the holidays.  All of my family lives 16-18 hours away and being in the healthcare field, working in a hospital that runs 24/7/365, you don’t get time off around the holidays, so there won’t be any family visits.  God forbid anyone make an attempt to come visit me.  I’m always expected to be the one to go there.  I know, I sound whiny…

The last few months have been really rough on me personally.  I know they have been for a lot of people, so I’m not trying to say that my problems are any worse than someone else’s.  In fact, I know my problems are minuscule compared to most people.  I’ve just really fallen into a dark place and I can’t seem to get myself out of it.  I’ve been trying really hard to “put on a happy face”, but it’s beginning to exhaust me and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

Christmas is being even harder on me this year, more so than normal, because last year I had my best friend here with me to celebrate.  It was one of my favorite Christmases I’ve ever had.  This Christmas, we’re barely even friends.  I’ve been mending a broken heart and trying so hard to move on, but it’s really hard letting go of someone that was such a huge part of your life ya know.  I miss having someone to say “good morning” & “good night” to.  I miss the comfort and security of knowing someone and them knowing me, better than anyone else.  I still catch myself grabbing my phone to text them about random shit that I’d know they’d like, or if something good/bad happens, they’re still the person I think to go to, to share it with.  I wonder if they ever do the same thing.  I wonder if they miss me as much as I miss them.

I’ve had some really good friends helping me through everything the last few months, and there’s no way that I’ll ever be able to repay them for their support.  I’ve talked their ears off to death I’m sure about everything, but they never complain.  I am so very lucky to have them.  They are really amazing people.  In my attempts at letting go and moving on, I’ve been making myself get out in SL.  I’ve been going to events, sim hopping and exploring, meeting new people.  But as we all know, SL can sometimes be a toxic place.  And I think when you’re already in a bit of a dark place, it’s like being in a black hole and you just suck all the negative, ugly, mean, spiteful, selfish assholes out there right in with you.  I have a knack for attracting and being attracted to jerks to begin with, so it’s been even worse lately.  That’s not to say I haven’t met some nice people, because I have.  But omg…the whole roller coaster ride of getting to know someone new!!!  The anxiety of what to talk about, should I message, how long should I wait before responding so I don’t seem like an eager loser, how honest should I really be about myself, what if I say something offensive without meaning to…it’s such a silly game.  I just…wanna find someone that feels like my cozy pj’s and we can just skip all the stupid shit, you know.  I wanna…find a new best friend that ignites passion in me again and drives me wild with desire. *sighs*  That’s really too much to ask for isn’t it?  I know…

Another reason why Christmas is so difficult for me, is because my mother suffers through pretty severe depression during this time of year, every year.  Being the only daughter, I’m usually the one to try to help her cope and get through it.  She gets nasty during this period.  She’s unrealistic, narcissistic to an extreme measure, hateful, spiteful, negativity just oozes out of her.  This is when I become the disappointment.  I never call enough, I never listen enough, I never something enough!  I wasn’t the daughter she wanted.  Then she switches to how no one loves her, no one cares.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “I could be dead for weeks and no one would know, because no one calls or comes by to check on me.”  Mind you, my mother is in her 60’s and far from an invalid.  She has a job.  Is able to drive a car.  Care for herself.  She has a few minor health issues like most people her age do, but nothing significant.  Even if someone did go by to visit with her, you’d have to sit there for an hour listening to her complain about how “I never see anyone”, despite the fact that you just took her out to lunch two days ago.  So yeah, I think it’s finally gotten to where family just doesn’t go see her or call much, because who wants to listen to that shit all the time, right?  Then comes the guilt trips, about how she’s sorry she’s such a bad mother, how she’s sorry she “fucked everyone’s life up”.  And no, none of us have ever said such a thing to her.  This is all just made up shit she has in her head.  Her favorite game, is what I like to call “The Suicide Game”.  She loves dropping little comments, such as “I just don’t want to live anymore, I have nothing to live for!”  Then she begins crying, says “I love you”, and hangs up the phone on you, then refuses to answer her phone for the next few days, leaving you to wonder…did she?  Noooooo, she wouldn’t.  Would she?  All for some fucking attention!!!

My brothers like to take the attitude of “Well, if she’s going to do it, she’s going to do it!”  And despite knowing this is all some sick, quacked up game my mom is trying to play, I can never take on the same attitude.  I love my mom very much.  It would devastate me if my mother ever followed through with her “threats”.  And I don’t know how I’d live with myself, if my last thought was “If she’s going to do it, let her do it” like my brothers do.  The worry that what if she’s serious this time, always gets me to play along with her, and she knows it.  But this year…I just don’t have it in me.  I have nothing to give to her right now, because I’m trying to get by each day myself.  I’m trying to quiet my own voices in my head that tell me “No one would miss you if you were gone, you know that, right?”  I’m trying to turn off that movie that plays in my mind as I’m driving, the one where I just suddenly jerk my car into the median going 100 MPH.  I’m sure my mother has the same kind of voices in her head.  I just don’t know how to help her right now…

Please don’t think I’m sharing this because I’m crying for attention.  I am not suicidal.  I have no plan.  It’s just the dark place my mind goes sometimes, briefly.  Which makes it hard for me, because I am an empathetic person.  I feel how she feels.  I know how hard things are for her.  How sad and lonely she is.  It breaks my heart for her that I can’t just…fix it and make it better, just like she always did for me when I was growing up.  But how do you take on the weight of someone else’s depression, when you’re drowning in your own?

If you’re still reading…thanks for sticking with me and listening to my pity party.  Even though I hate Christmas, I hope you have a merry one! 🙂 ♥

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