Anything Worth Holding On To

HoldingOnto3

Picture Info

Skin:  DeeTaleZ – Brenda (in Nordic) – @ mainstore

Eye Makeup:  Izzie’s – Evening Glitter Eyeshadows – @ mainstore

Hair:  Wasabi – Juniper – @ Uber  **NEW**

Ears:  L’Etre – Ringed Mesh Ears – @ mainstore

Necklace:  Kunst – Elise @ mainstore

Outfit:  Seniha – Nadja – @ Uber  **NEW**

Boat:  Milk Motion – Shantyboat – @ Uber  **NEW**

Pose:  made by yours truly using the Anypose system


*Additional info:

  • The Juniper hair from Wasabi comes with a style HUD that allows you to add/remove side hair wisps, as well as change them and the ponytail to be windy or straight.
  • The Nadja outfit by Seniha comes in 2 styles when you buy a single color pack.  There is a separate bodysuit/bathing suit that comes in solid color or a pattern.  The separately worn skirt comes in the same solid or pattern option.  If that is confusing, for example in my picture I’m wearing the bodysuit in the solid color, but the skirt in the pattern option.  The skirt is sheer.  You are unable to change anything about the belt, it’s always the solid color and has a pale gold buckle.  There are additional beautiful floral patterns available in the fatpack only.
  • The Shantyboat by Milk Motion comes with 2 versions of the boat.  One is static, and one has animation.  Also included is the animated sea.  Together with the animated version of the boat, it looks like a lonely little shack drifting off on the rolling waves of the ocean.  Pretty cool design when put all together.  It does not include a skydome, which threw me off.  Their display at Uber did show it inside of a skydome, so just make yourself aware that that part is not included.

Anything Worth Holding On To – Matt Bloyd & Chrissy Metz

There are dreams I’ve let die, that I’ve just pushed aside, I need to find out how to turn this dark back into light

I wasn’t really sure if I was going to write anything about this picture, because the song that inspired how it turned out is a really personal song for me.  My friend Silivren sent me this song.  We’re always doing that to each other.  She’s much better at finding songs than I am.  She always manages to find just the right song to make me bawl like a baby, and this one…I’ve listened to it probably over a hundred times, and it still brings tears to my eyes.  The first time I listened to it though, I was a blubbering idiot.  I just sat at my computer desk for about 15 minutes letting the tears flow.  It sounds pretty awful, but it was really quite cleansing and cathartic.

I’m not much of a crier.  Even if I get sad or depressed, I’m more likely to cry because I’m so angry over something it’s either cry or punch someone or something, so I cry.  But when I’m sad, I have a hard time letting myself let that wall down.  Maybe it’s growing up with 2 older brothers.  Maybe it’s the 15 years of working in the nursing field with children who are dying of cancer.  Whenever I feel the tears coming, there’s always that voice in my head telling me how weak I’m being, how I don’t have time for this, put on your big girl panties and deal with this shit!  It’s all irrational thoughts I know, but they’re there just the same.  But give me a song that hits home about something…and I’m done!

It’s amazing how music can do that.  A song can make you sad and cry.  It can bring a smile to your face.  It can make you want to get up off the couch and just start dancing.  It can speak the words that have been floating around in your head and heart, that you’ve never been able to grasp and put together.  And that’s exactly what this song did for me when Sil sent it to me.

I made a post many months ago about some depression I had been going through.  I’d love to say that things are all better, but they’re not.  I’m turning 40 in September, and I know that has a lot to do with it.  I think a lot of people, as we get older and start hitting those pivotal times in our lives, we start reflecting and thinking about the future.  I know I didn’t start really doing this until my 40th birthday was on the very near horizon.  If you had asked me 20 years ago what I pictured my life to be like at 40, this wouldn’t have even been close.  I would have said that I’d be married, have a couple of kids maybe getting ready to start high school.  I’d live in a nice house, nothing fancy.  I’d have my bachelors, maybe even masters degree.  I’d have a great job, making decent money.  I’d have a small, but very close circle of friends that I saw and hung out with on a regular basis.  My family and I would take trips together at least once a year to explore the world.  I envisioned having a pretty happy, content, comfortable life for myself.  I think everyone does when you’re in your early 20’s.

I won’t sit here listing all the ways my reality fails to compare to my fantasy life I envisioned myself having 20 years ago.  Suffice it to say that none of my dreams have come true.  As 40 creeps up on me, I sit here reflecting on the choices that I’ve made and how I let my life turn into the complete opposite of what I imagined.  What I wanted for myself.  A lot of it due to life just being…life.  And let’s face it, sometimes life really fucking sucks!  But there are also a lot of points in my life where I can reflect and see where I made some really big mistakes.  Realizing that you’re largely to blame is a very bitter, hard pill to swallow.  How do you fix it?  How do you find the strength to fix it, when it’s hard enough just making yourself get up out of bed on a daily basis?

And I think that’s why this song hits home so hard for me.  It’s expresses every single thought and way that I have been feeling lately.  What is the point of going through the next 40 years?  Do I even want to go through the next 40 years?  If I’m honest…no.  Not if life is going to be just more of this.  Right now, it doesn’t really seem like there’s anything worth holding on to…and I don’t know if that thought scares me, or comforts me.